I was handing Mike a check to deposit, noting the date for the next one would be the 23rd.  ”Ok, so when is the 23rd, that’s, is it Monday? No wait it’s Friday.”  Mike said.

I was all, “Yeah it’s Friday. Don’t you freaking know IT’S THE TWENTY THRIRD, OF JULY.”  I looked around like everyone else (no one else was there FTR) should agree with me in being shocked he didn’t know.

“Oh, is it Christian’s Birthday?” He said, as his eyes got sad.

“No, it’s the 23rd.  You know, the day they died.” *eye roll*

Mike shrugged and said, “Oh I try to forget that day.  Why would you want to remember that day?  Why would you draw attention to the worst day of your  life?”

This is one of the reasons I blog. Mike just wants me to be happy and takes it VERY personally when I am not.  Sometimes I just need to BE.  Whatever that is, and sometimes it’s not happy.  Not in a in general with life kind of way.  Just a sad fleeting moment where the stench of death brushes past me so powerfully that I swear my hair blows from the gust.  And I feel them.  I remember.  I promise to never forget. Then it’s gone and I am  back to folding laundry and talking about deposits.

Taken back a little I said, “I want to remember it.  I mean it’s not like I can forget it.  There is like a giant neon sign flashing in my brain. It’s not about that though.  If I just went through my day that day and didn’t talk about it, say something, it would feel wrong.  It would feel like I forgot or something.  I don’t know. I don’t like to think about the death part, but that’s when their life ended. It’s a fact. I know so many people have bad thoughts on this day.  Family members will self medicate, fall apart, and speak ill of my dad while shaking their fists at the universe. But I think about my favorite stories and memories.  I punch that ‘what if’ in the balls and think about what was. Because what was, was really awesome. They were all really awesome and should be celebrated and remembered.”

“OK Babe, that’s true.  *Rubs my back*  We’ll have steak Friday.”

*Wipes eyes, deep breath* “That’s perfect.”

End scene.

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Ok so Mike’s  not exactly a poet, but he gets it.

I am not going to lie and say that there aren’t days, hours, or minutes that I wish would go away and leave me alone.  Sometimes the simplest of conversations, actions,  or surroundings can take me to my knees.

In anger, frustration, and confusion.  I shouldn’t be writing this post.  I shouldn’t have to deal with this day.  It should just be another Friday.

It’s not though.  It is the day that changed my life forever, and I don’t even want to dwell on that.  You dwell, you get stuck.  The grief takes you too.  I’ve seen it.

There’s something inside me though that makes me say, today is the day. Today I am remembering, crying, laughing, telling stories.  When Mason is old enough we will have to make this more of this  celebration than sadness.  I simply can not forget. I can not act like they weren’t here. Like they weren’t real.  I want Mason to know that he does have 2 more uncles and a grandpa that wishes they were around, but aren’t.

I don’t know, I am grabbing at straws.  I just know in my heart I have to stand up somehow and say, yeah they are gone and today we should celebrate their lives.

Don’t get me wrong, I have had years where I just go on with my day.  Act like it’s just another day on the calendar.

Those days were the hardest.  They felt dirty and wrong.  Those years I partied more…go figure.

I should hold great victory and pride in this day too though. This day that I have not let control me. I have not let it become me, but just a part of my makeup.

So today (a really shitty day to be stuck in the house, but I have yet to drive and there is a tropical storm here, heh) I will fight down the demons that are pulling at my hair, clothes, mind and heart.  Trying to make me feel low and remember that morning.  That day, the one nine years ago where I was at home, alone, in Naples, during a torrential downpour, and my cell phone rang…and just like that they were gone.  Life as I knew it was over.  I was thrust into adulthood. My future completely undetermined.  I walked blindly, in faith of myself.

I don’t know if I was cocky, arrogant, or just stupid.  I just knew I could do it.  Somehow.  Honestly, my *somehow* is Mike.  His motto after all is, “stick with me kid and we’ll go places.”  He’s crazy, yet right.

I have fought hard to be here.  To be ok.  To be able to talk about it, them, with pride, love, and remembrance.  To be able to say, yeah I came through that.  I don’t toot my own horn (I do in my truck though, I wear that bitch out) much, but today I will.  I am proud of what Mike and I have made through all this.  How far we have come.  Our dating/engagement/wedding all happened in the same year.  So our progression as a couple hold hands with my life altering situation.

When we got married, we didn’t have a pot to piss in.  Shit, we were sleeping on an air mattress at a friend’s house, living off the good graces of humanity. (You want to feel humbled?   Let me tell you about the outreach of this world for good.  This was before Twitter and PayPal.  People came, called, wrote letters.  Thank goodness for the Internet now, who has time for that?  But still, I see it now on the Internet and I am always taken back and reminded, there is good out there.  Amazing strangers exists and turn into life long friends.)  We have not made any huge impact on this world.  We are just good, hardworking parents that put our awesome son first.  We live for him and each other.  We have just been able to create this happy little world for us.  It’s safe.  It feels good, we earned it.  Mike’s career, he has come so far since starting with this company in Georgia.  Sure, he could have been in some bigger things and I could have finished school if we never left Naples to begin with.  But we did, and we continued to press forward and build our life.

Determined to carry on.  To make my dad and the boys proud.  Not be a victim.  Although I am. But still, I’m trying.  I can remember with sadness and joy.  It’s the joy part I just can’t let the light go out on.

So tonight, we eat steak.  Maybe I will get crazy and have an alcoholic beverage, who knows!

I will feel the warmth in my heart where I hold their memories and see the reflection of that love when I look at the sweet innocent face of my son.  Who couldn’t look more like his uncle if he tried.

So today Internet friends and maybe like four IRL friends I have told about this site, all you lurkers, all you family and friends who read this and don’t tell me, CHEERS to life, to not being afraid to remember, to J, C, and dad.  We love you forever and cherish the life that we had together.

I promise to never forget.

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